Well wishes

 

And just before

I started to work

she hugged me

from behind

and whispered

in my ear

as she

clutched me tight

I could die

of asphyxiation:

“I hope you’d be filled

to the brim

and your entire system

drowned

today

with dopamine,

motherfucker!”

And because

of that

I told myself:

well if that ain’t

a nice way

to say

“screw you!”

then

I don’t know

what

the

fuck

that

is…

Snore

 

She doesn’t want me beside her

said I snore out loud

ruins her night sleep

in addition to her insomnia.

I don’t know what to do

with my snoring

nor with my kids’

But if only I can lend her

one of my greatest gifts

which is to sleep

regardless of the sounds of the night

or elbows

or knees

hitting all my sides.

If only I can…

First thing a writer should learn is how not to give a fuck

What you give yourself and what you think you are giving them

A few likes and occasionally, some comments. It doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe it did before, but it hardly has any potent impacts to the stubborn writer in me anymore.

I’ve been writing for around 7 years already in this semi-private blog. Semi-private because of the number of my readership is analogous to the number of people reading a private person’s diary. Despite those dismal views, blogging never came short of a variety of personal experiences for me as a writer. I’ve had some occasional highs when there were a lot of interactions and a whole lot of lows when nobody seemed to care at all about how I feel based on what I’ve written.

But I’ve already learned to deal with it despite that there are still a lot of instances that I got pissed off by the indifference of the world. Practice makes perfect anyway, right? And I’ve gotten used to the fact that in most of what I’ve written, they were met with deafening silence except for occasional swarm of crickets, both in this blog and in my social media accounts.

Well, that’s your audience’s choice. Remember that no response from them is also a form of response. After all, you are responsible for your self-expression and the things that make you sane, not them.

With the exception of course if the mode of that self-expression involves breaking a law or endangering the life of your fellow. You know what I mean. So if you’ve matured enough as a writer, you should’ve finally realized that it’s not the likes nor the comments why you were writing in the first place: and that is to regularly try to calm the raging storm within you by channeling it so you bleed ink instead of bleeding your lifeline.

What they actually receive

It is one thing to be able to express yourself. How it’s going to be received is completely another story and something which either you have very little control of or something that you can totally do nothing about.

People can only interact as far as their level of comprehension is concerned. Your ideas, grand as they are, if they land on a mind that is incapable of nurturing grand ideas, then it is most likely that they will be met with scorn, like throwing pearls to the pigs.

There are however, objective readers who are mature enough to temporarily set aside their biases in order to see your point. They can further improve your initial ideas by pitching in their objective observations or healthy criticisms. And then there are those who will opt to see what they only wanted to see in what they are reading. Hence some comments may seem like they enjoy what you have written but in reality, what you wrote just reminded them of something funny or remarkable from their past experiences which sometimes is not totally related with what you said. (Talk about getting elated when you thought you finally got your message across, only to find out that they completely missed it by a mile!)

There are those who will tell you how much you suck, oftentimes devoid of explanations whatsoever. You will never be good enough and nothing that you say or write will come at par with their insatiable “exquisite” standards. Good luck if you wish to persist in trying to impress them nonetheless.

How people react is a mirror of who they are inside. Most of the time, it’s not you who have a problem. It’s them and you can do nothing to change that. So it would be wise if your happiness is not dependent on how your audience will react. Because doing so almost always ends up tragically.

So shut up and just fucking write!

There’s no other way to put it best but to just fucking do it. If you can’t help but be bothered by voices outside of your self, don’t fucking write at all. In trying to improve yourself as a writer and a person, it is inevitable that some people will get offended by whatever reasons. So be it. Think of yourself getting better in the process and the other person who will benefit from what you’ve written. You’ll never know. Someone might be badly in need of what you have to say.

Write for those who are silent, those who will not give a like or leave a comment, and even those who will not likely speak with you face to face. They may deny you as the writer, but they can never deny the truth and the connection it made with their souls.

Regarding the critics, look at the light of what they are saying. If it makes sense, improvise. If it does not in anyway benefit you, shut out the noise and let them howl ’til kingdom come. It isn’t criminal for them to yak their brains out but it isn’t their right to impose anything on you either.

It’s either your growth or, your perceived “sanctity” of the opinion of others. Choosing one would neglect the other. It’s your choice to make.

Lessons learned while walking on eggs

Recognize those who stood by you through thick and thin. They are the so-called angels in the outfield. They are the ones who are worth sticking with.

But you should also acknowledge that not all people would be willing to lend a genuine helping hand.

There are those who will remain silent when you have done something worth of a pat on the back or at least some simple words such as “keep it up”. While some may appreciate any form of cognizance of their efforts, there are those who prefer to avoid the spotlight and opt to just work in the corner, relatively unknown like an essential cog in a complex machine. They are more happy and fulfilled that way.

And the same people who were mostly silent on your share of good times with them, would be the quickest to cry for your crucifixion the moment you commit the slightest, even trivial mistakes which would have been easily resolved by a simple talk. Instead of helping you out as an initial reaction, they conspire against you to come up with all the “just” reasons why you do not fit in which is enough to get you kicked out.

Beware of such people because they are the ones who don’t want to have anything to do with you. They will stay silent during still waters but they will be the first to throw you overboard when the slightest tempest rocks the boat.

“Sir, I’ve Come to Tell You I’d Marry Your Daughter…”

ctto

(Circa February 2017)

I come in peace sir. I did not come to stir trouble, albeit I cannot guarantee that I can leave your emotions untouched.

I must admit that you’ve done one hell of a job raising Yen sir. She’s intelligent, spontaneous, lovely, responsible, emphatic, and very passionate with what she does. I know she was and still is your princess, and the way you treat her is like she’s the next best thing in life before life itself.

And so here I’ve come to tell you that she is now my princess and my life too. And this time I’d want her to be my queen.

I know you have been dreading that a day would come when a whacko would come to face a multi-decorated life veteran like yourself and ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage.

And yes sir the day has come and that day is today. And I am that whacko in front of you.

I’d have to hold her responsible for what I’ve become though. I‘d say that it’s pretty much her fault I became that whacko because she turned my life around. I’m not a drifter before we met but I’d say that things went falling in their right places when I met her and I can’t believe what I’m actually seeing that I thought I was going crazy.

Turns out yes, I’ve become crazy. I am totally crazy about her.

Yen’s the answer to my prayers sir and I know deep within that I would end up in an insane asylum if she doesn’t become my lifetime friend and partner and the mother of my children.

She had been my saving grace and my last reason to keep believing when there’s nothing left to believe in. Sure she can get overbearing sometimes, nagging, and ultra critical but I’d still want to marry that part of her nonetheless.

I feel fear as of this moment sir. Not because I’ve done or I’m about to do anything wrong to her, but because of the thought that I’d have to meet her hero in person.

But please don’t take it against me if I say that there’s something more frightening than being here in front of you right now – and that is to live my life without Yen. And as such I decided to muster every ounce of courage in me to face you and the entire army before you and ask you to please accompany Yen to exchange vows with me in front of the altar.

I love Yen so much sir. She means my life to me. She is and will always be the embodiment of joy in this world. She’s the one who proved to me that love is more than just an ideal concept portrayed by media and printed on paper. And nothing of these would have been possible without you showing her first the essence of love and what it means to be loved when she was yet a little darling in your arms.

Please allow me to love her for a lifetime sir. Please allow me to be a part of your circle that protects her, loves her, cherishes her, and nurtures her wonderful unique personality.

I am looking forward to seeing traces of you on our mini-versions that will fill our humble home with love and laughter. I would also like to ask you sir to please help me become a good father to our future children just like how you are right now with her.

Would you please say yes, sir? Dad, please?

Kiss Wisely

The butt you kick today can be the ass you kiss tomorrow.

Kiss wisely.

– 名前がない男の人

Blood Peace

It’s funny how we often crave for blood and at the same time claim that we want peace.

– 名前がない男の人

You Are That Pearl

“Know your worth.”

Associate only with people who knows how to value you, including those who genuinely helps you grow.

And when people disrespect and undermine you such that you begin to question your value, learn to discern whether you must stay and fight for what you deserve or to just turn around and walk away.

Never, not even for a second, look down on yourself in the same way that they look down on you.

And spare your soul by not wasting yourself to those who do not appreciate. Even the Bible is very clear on this as it was written in Matthew 7:6 (NIV) “…do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet…”

You are that pearl.

Read that last line again but this time substitute “I am” for “You are”. Read it again. Slowly. Regularly. Forcefully.